Tuesday, March 31, 2009

2 days

Well, it's been two days. Two days as the complete caretaker for my three wonderful boys! And I am exhausted. I can only imagine how my grandparents must feel after 4 days.

We took the day off from school yesterday to get the house back in order and began school this morning. It wasn't so bad looking back over the school time. It was the in between parts that created opportunity for stress and frustration. We worked through it. And I am in a good state of mind now.

I'd like to share some of what I was feeling this afternoon because I'm sure there are many mom's out there who have felt this way. I prayed this to God this afternoon after being upset over how one child was just being plain mean to the other with no care for how the other felt.

It has only been two days back with my children. I feel out of control and like nothing I say makes any difference in their behavior. They have been mean to each other and disobedient. They have jumped on my back and hurt me. They have griped and complained. I am so much more tired than I was even when I stayed up late while away from them. I find myself wishing I didn't have them around all the time. And that makes me feel horribly guilty. I missed them so much. Yet, today I just feel like I want to escape. Lord, help me. I want to be a good mother. And I feel Satan surrounding me with lies that I am not a good mother. That my children think I am unreasonable. That I am expecting too much of them and that is only making them feel guilty. Help me to sort out what you are saying and what lies Satan is throwing my way. I have to go back to your scripture to discern which is which. Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. peace loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, sincere. Those things are from God. Whatever is full of envy, selfish ambition, lies comes from Satan. So, I am not a bad mother. I love my children. I seek to do what is best for them in every way. It is true that I am impatient with myself and that translates over to my children. I get upset when they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I think it is true that I am in danger of heaping an abudance of guilt on them. I need to go back to being a coach for them. Pointing out problem areas and encouraging them to do better instead of overtalking and telling them how much it bothers me. It is ok to tell them when something hurts my feelings but I don't need to tell them every single time the problem occurs. So, I am not in a horrible pit of despair. That is a lie from Satan. Thank you God for pointing that out. When I feel that agonizing, mind stopping, how will life ever get better feeling, I can know it is not from God. It is not lovely or full of mercy. I need only to look to you God. You will work in my mind to pull me out of my hole and back into your loving arms. I feel you telling me that is what I am to do for my kids as well. I must stop taking things personally. My kids make their own choices. I don't make them do mean things to each other. I don't make them disobey. Please give me wisdom to know what to do to help them stop repeating bad and dishonoring behaviors. I feel lost when they keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again. I run out of steam at constantly dealing with the same things. Please bless me with endurance and perseverance. I am a good mother. I love my kids. And you love me. If I make some mistakes, you are there to catch me. I want to be that for my kids too. Show me a better way than how I have been acting towards them. Thank you.

I hestitate to share this because it exposes me for who I am. But I know we all fall short from time to time. And please know that I absolutely love my kids. And even though I had moments and still will have moments of not wanting to be around them all the time, I am so blessed and grateful that I do get to spend most of my time with them every day. I would be so sad if this journey were not mine to experience! So bring on the adventure, I'm resting in God's sweet love and empowered with his Holy Spirit!


Camezi said...

Girl, you are not alone.

7 D's said...

Nope, not for one second!

Suziecme said...

From one mother to another - just another example of "what goes around comes around". You are not alone, my child.