What Now?

*Sharing a bit of my heart today. This is pretty depressing sounding until the end. It gets better I promise :) Also, I'm too weepy to edit - so take it as it is.

So, I set out to be a wife and mother.  I wanted 3 or 4 children. I had 3 (plus one that didn’t live outside my body).  Now, I have 2 teenagers and 1 adult. I spent years studying how to teach and nurture children, small children and tweens.  What now? Now that one has left home, (I still am in a bit of shock over that being true) I’m trying to settle into being a different kind of mom.  One with an adult child and teens. No more littles. I saw a pregnant mom with two littles at the grocery store yesterday and felt a tug of nostalgia along with an empty place.  I was that mom! And it was so fun! They needed me. They liked being with me. We laughed. We sang and danced and counted and read and read some more. We made puppets, colored pictures, made alphabuddies, played at parks, dressed in costumes.  Now - well, they play video games and I - I try to figure out how this phase of life works. I still plan and cook and clean (they help me alot with the cleaning) and shop and check work and give assignments. But the fun parts - the sharing of stories that we read together, the creating things together or helping them create, seeing the moments where they figure out something new and sharing that victory - those are over.  At least in the way we used to do them. And so I mourn. I miss it. It isn’t going to be like that again, ever. They aren’t the same people they were. They really haven’t been for a while. I held on to that stage pretending that it wasn’t over for as long as I could. But now that my oldest is gone, my false reality is shattered. It will take some time - much longer than I’d like to move on and let go. I’m not a mommy any more.  I’m mom. There is a difference. All of us are older now.

I used to long for adult time.  Now I’m not sure what to do with my adult time.  When Ben graduated, it was like I graduated too. He had a plan, but I’m not sure I did.  I was busy helping him make his plan happen. If I did have a plan it was to find a new normal with only four people in the house.  Nothing seems normal to me these days. I don’t feel much like cooking. I’ve gained weight. I’m tired. Yet I keep going - hosting people at my house (which I love to do), going to the High School Retreat, coaching Student Leadership Teams and being at youth group class, encouraging young ladies, encouraging friends who need a lift, assigning and checking school work, trying to make homeschool interesting and worth doing, creating smoothies and other healthy meals, volunteering, building my relationships with my other boys, dating my husband.  All of these are things I did before. Maybe I was expecting some big change for me - in what I do. Maybe that expectation not being met is adding to my grieving. I feel anxiety over thinking that there is something I am supposed to be doing that is different than last year.

One thing is different, I am mom to an adult and I have to learn how that works on top of continuing all the other things I have been doing.  So, I do have an added responsibility/privilege. I don’t need to go seeking more than what I was doing already. No need to overcommit to more service or volunteering opportunities - though I should volunteer when it fits me and my family.  My focus should stay where it was before - God, family, others. I am still mom. Maybe not mommy but my boys still need mom. Five more years to soak in this phase of mom - to transition to having all adult children. It’s going to be so different each year.  New challenges - new rewards - new experiences. I don’t have to figure it all out at once.

Be still.  That is what I feel like God is saying to me right now.  Don’t rush. Trust. Listen. Make God my focus. Speak my heart even when I might cry.  Be sad if I need to but don’t stay in the sadness. Be comforted by God. Take joy in each experience, in each struggle.  Smile and laugh. Dance and play - in whatever way play looks like right now. Have fun! One thing at a time. Don’t lose your focus.  Focus on the love of God for myself and for others. I will not fail when I keep my focus instead of getting anxious.

I’m going to be ok.  I am ok. No, I am fantastic!  My children and husband are amazing!  God has richly poured out his blessings on us.  Even so, it is ok to mourn the passing of a part of my life.  It is ok to miss the baby, toddler, elementary, and middle school ages of my children.  It is ok to miss it so much it hurts because that means I have loved deeply with my whole being!  I can mourn while still recognizing the joyous parts of life and all the blessings. And I can fully enjoy the present part of life with teens and an adult child and all that is happening now.

So, if you see me get teary or if I am overwhelmed with emotion from time to time, please just hug me and love me through the emotions knowing that I am blessed to have had such a rich connection to my children and to continue that connection in a new unknown way.  Don’t feel sorry for me or think I am too attached to my kids. My attachment to my kids is just right for me as I hope your attachment to yours is just right for you. Just because I am all emotional doesn’t mean my connection to my kids is any better or deeper than yours - we all experience things in many different ways.  And please ask God to give me wisdom and direction, lots of love and patience, and new ideas for how to be the mom I want and need to be today and tomorrow and always.

Change and Sameness

It happened.  It seems unreal but it is true.  He moved out.  Sure, a drive to his apartment is a mere 3 to 5 minutes, but to this momma's heart the move, the change is no less significant. 

Life is different already.  In fact, I woke up to a house with no children in it because the other two stayed with friends last night.  I am happy for them, so grateful for all God has done and is doing in their lives!  But it is different and yet it is the same. 

After a rough first day of school last year, I met with a counselor who explained that I am the constant in the house and the boys are the ones that are changing so much.  As the boys grow, their worlds change while my world kind of stays the same.  When I woke up this morning, my eyes saw the usual sites, my feet walked the same few feet to the same bathroom.  My taste buds enjoyed the leftover pancakes from our final family dinner with all five of us living in this house and the delicious coffee my husband makes for me almost everyday.  I chose my clothes out of the same closet and dresser - the dresser passed down to me from a few generations ago.  So, from the outside everything seems pretty constant for me.  I guess it's the responsibilities, my parenting role with my oldest that has changed.

What do I do with all the advice I have to give him?  What about the things I forgot to tell him?  I'm used to guiding, talking, teaching him about life everyday, thinking of things he needs to know or things he might need to do.  How do I cook for one less person? Plan for one less person?  What will I do with my extra time?  How do I handle all the changes?

It's a bit scary and a bit freeing as well.

So how am I feeling about this life transition?  The truth is I am so ....  well.... grateful and in awe of how God has blessed me and taught me and been patient with me and held me and calmed me and strengthened me and probably laughed at my craziness and loved me and my children so immensely.  I am in awe of God's love for my family and his working in my heart and our hearts for all my life.  And though he said it to the Philippians long ago, I believe with what Paul said in Philippians 1:6 applies to me too: that God will continue to complete what he has started in me - no matter how my relationships change - no matter what my kids do or where they go.  In this thought I have peace.  In this truth my spirit can rest and my arms can release my child to have his own awe inspiring, full, rich life of adventures  -good, bad, ugly, and beautiful.

This boy who left my house yesterday isn't a boy at all.  He is a strong, intelligent, creative, imaginative, God seeking young man.  He is full of life and about to experience so many new things.  He will learn so much more than he ever could at home.  Now I get to sit back and watch, help only when asked or needed, and pray more than ever.