I am here. Wanting to be the overachieving super involved mother engaging my three sons into a learning experience true to real life learning that will spiral them into a natural love for learning, yet overwhelmed by a surplus of entries on my mental checklist that remain unchecked leading me to a feeling of failure. I know that my children are doing well but I so often feel that I am not. And anytime I become frustrated with their particular personality traits that I don't know how to handle or redirect, I see clearly how my personality has greatly affected their personality. My mother's voice rings in my ears, "You are so hard on yourself which makes you hard on those boys." Yet, this is who I am! I am an idealist. I do not know how to be otherwise. I try to let go of my dreams but it hurts. Life got in the way of a lot of those dreams. Many life things that others know nothing about. God has brought me through them to amazing places of grace, mercy, and growth but the consequences remain. So, I am where I am and I am who I am. God can use me right here in any way he chooses. The method I choose for teaching my children or conducting my household is just a tool. A tool for reaching their hearts for God so that they can know his peace and love and share it with others. Why do I so often forget this? I am like Peter sinking in the water when noticing the storm around him. God's sweet love rescues me and my focus returns to him for today.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! But does he want me to do all those things at once? He knows me from within. He is gentle and patient. He teaches me a bit at a time and for that I am grateful.
What can I do at this stage in my family's life? I guess I am not completely sure. I know that I want to be a better housekeeper because it keeps my mind uncluttered. Love and patience flows more freely from my heart when my brain is clear. Housekeeping and educating don't mesh for me. I can do one or the other. Mixing them results in frustration and very few accomplishments for either activity. My brain says, "Make a plan!" How many times have I done this? No, I should do what has worked best in the past.
Right now, there are some character issues that need working on in our family. That should always be my priority. I feel unequipped to deal with these as they are issues that need work in me as well. I never learned well how to handle them. How do you teach your child to move past an issue when you don't do it well either?
I'm rambling off topic a bit now. The point is I need to do what will help us achieve our family goals looking at which methods of life/ teaching/ relating to others will cultivate love and peace and learning in our home. The biggest thing I must consider is that taking care of myself so that I can take care of my family is important. Finding balance in this is difficult for me because I often feel selfish.
When what I want to do and what I can do don't match, I turn to my Father for wisdom, patience, direction, and contentment. I may not have the patience, the money, the room in my house to do things the way I want to but I have a God who can show me another way that may even be better for all of us!