What Now?

*Sharing a bit of my heart today. This is pretty depressing sounding until the end. It gets better I promise :) Also, I'm too weepy to edit - so take it as it is.

So, I set out to be a wife and mother.  I wanted 3 or 4 children. I had 3 (plus one that didn’t live outside my body).  Now, I have 2 teenagers and 1 adult. I spent years studying how to teach and nurture children, small children and tweens.  What now? Now that one has left home, (I still am in a bit of shock over that being true) I’m trying to settle into being a different kind of mom.  One with an adult child and teens. No more littles. I saw a pregnant mom with two littles at the grocery store yesterday and felt a tug of nostalgia along with an empty place.  I was that mom! And it was so fun! They needed me. They liked being with me. We laughed. We sang and danced and counted and read and read some more. We made puppets, colored pictures, made alphabuddies, played at parks, dressed in costumes.  Now - well, they play video games and I - I try to figure out how this phase of life works. I still plan and cook and clean (they help me alot with the cleaning) and shop and check work and give assignments. But the fun parts - the sharing of stories that we read together, the creating things together or helping them create, seeing the moments where they figure out something new and sharing that victory - those are over.  At least in the way we used to do them. And so I mourn. I miss it. It isn’t going to be like that again, ever. They aren’t the same people they were. They really haven’t been for a while. I held on to that stage pretending that it wasn’t over for as long as I could. But now that my oldest is gone, my false reality is shattered. It will take some time - much longer than I’d like to move on and let go. I’m not a mommy any more.  I’m mom. There is a difference. All of us are older now.

I used to long for adult time.  Now I’m not sure what to do with my adult time.  When Ben graduated, it was like I graduated too. He had a plan, but I’m not sure I did.  I was busy helping him make his plan happen. If I did have a plan it was to find a new normal with only four people in the house.  Nothing seems normal to me these days. I don’t feel much like cooking. I’ve gained weight. I’m tired. Yet I keep going - hosting people at my house (which I love to do), going to the High School Retreat, coaching Student Leadership Teams and being at youth group class, encouraging young ladies, encouraging friends who need a lift, assigning and checking school work, trying to make homeschool interesting and worth doing, creating smoothies and other healthy meals, volunteering, building my relationships with my other boys, dating my husband.  All of these are things I did before. Maybe I was expecting some big change for me - in what I do. Maybe that expectation not being met is adding to my grieving. I feel anxiety over thinking that there is something I am supposed to be doing that is different than last year.

One thing is different, I am mom to an adult and I have to learn how that works on top of continuing all the other things I have been doing.  So, I do have an added responsibility/privilege. I don’t need to go seeking more than what I was doing already. No need to overcommit to more service or volunteering opportunities - though I should volunteer when it fits me and my family.  My focus should stay where it was before - God, family, others. I am still mom. Maybe not mommy but my boys still need mom. Five more years to soak in this phase of mom - to transition to having all adult children. It’s going to be so different each year.  New challenges - new rewards - new experiences. I don’t have to figure it all out at once.

Be still.  That is what I feel like God is saying to me right now.  Don’t rush. Trust. Listen. Make God my focus. Speak my heart even when I might cry.  Be sad if I need to but don’t stay in the sadness. Be comforted by God. Take joy in each experience, in each struggle.  Smile and laugh. Dance and play - in whatever way play looks like right now. Have fun! One thing at a time. Don’t lose your focus.  Focus on the love of God for myself and for others. I will not fail when I keep my focus instead of getting anxious.

I’m going to be ok.  I am ok. No, I am fantastic!  My children and husband are amazing!  God has richly poured out his blessings on us.  Even so, it is ok to mourn the passing of a part of my life.  It is ok to miss the baby, toddler, elementary, and middle school ages of my children.  It is ok to miss it so much it hurts because that means I have loved deeply with my whole being!  I can mourn while still recognizing the joyous parts of life and all the blessings. And I can fully enjoy the present part of life with teens and an adult child and all that is happening now.

So, if you see me get teary or if I am overwhelmed with emotion from time to time, please just hug me and love me through the emotions knowing that I am blessed to have had such a rich connection to my children and to continue that connection in a new unknown way.  Don’t feel sorry for me or think I am too attached to my kids. My attachment to my kids is just right for me as I hope your attachment to yours is just right for you. Just because I am all emotional doesn’t mean my connection to my kids is any better or deeper than yours - we all experience things in many different ways.  And please ask God to give me wisdom and direction, lots of love and patience, and new ideas for how to be the mom I want and need to be today and tomorrow and always.

Change and Sameness

It happened.  It seems unreal but it is true.  He moved out.  Sure, a drive to his apartment is a mere 3 to 5 minutes, but to this momma's heart the move, the change is no less significant. 

Life is different already.  In fact, I woke up to a house with no children in it because the other two stayed with friends last night.  I am happy for them, so grateful for all God has done and is doing in their lives!  But it is different and yet it is the same. 

After a rough first day of school last year, I met with a counselor who explained that I am the constant in the house and the boys are the ones that are changing so much.  As the boys grow, their worlds change while my world kind of stays the same.  When I woke up this morning, my eyes saw the usual sites, my feet walked the same few feet to the same bathroom.  My taste buds enjoyed the leftover pancakes from our final family dinner with all five of us living in this house and the delicious coffee my husband makes for me almost everyday.  I chose my clothes out of the same closet and dresser - the dresser passed down to me from a few generations ago.  So, from the outside everything seems pretty constant for me.  I guess it's the responsibilities, my parenting role with my oldest that has changed.

What do I do with all the advice I have to give him?  What about the things I forgot to tell him?  I'm used to guiding, talking, teaching him about life everyday, thinking of things he needs to know or things he might need to do.  How do I cook for one less person? Plan for one less person?  What will I do with my extra time?  How do I handle all the changes?

It's a bit scary and a bit freeing as well.

So how am I feeling about this life transition?  The truth is I am so ....  well.... grateful and in awe of how God has blessed me and taught me and been patient with me and held me and calmed me and strengthened me and probably laughed at my craziness and loved me and my children so immensely.  I am in awe of God's love for my family and his working in my heart and our hearts for all my life.  And though he said it to the Philippians long ago, I believe with what Paul said in Philippians 1:6 applies to me too: that God will continue to complete what he has started in me - no matter how my relationships change - no matter what my kids do or where they go.  In this thought I have peace.  In this truth my spirit can rest and my arms can release my child to have his own awe inspiring, full, rich life of adventures  -good, bad, ugly, and beautiful.

This boy who left my house yesterday isn't a boy at all.  He is a strong, intelligent, creative, imaginative, God seeking young man.  He is full of life and about to experience so many new things.  He will learn so much more than he ever could at home.  Now I get to sit back and watch, help only when asked or needed, and pray more than ever. 

Learn One New Thing Everyday?

For so long, I have been on a path to learn, to grow a little everyday.  Let me tell you, it has been exhausting!  I read this today from the book, From The Mixed-Up Files Of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg :

"...I think you should learn, of course, and some days you must learn a great deal.  But you should also have days when you allow what is already in you to swell up inside of you until it touches everything.  And you can feel it inside you.  If you never take time out to let that happen, then you just accumulate facts, and they begin to rattle around inside of you.  You can make noise with them, but never really feel anything with them.  It's hollow."

I have reached a time in life where I realize I want to soak up life, not just learn about a better or more efficient way to do things.  Those cool ideas about how to teach my children, which method of writing instruction is the best, which science and math they need before they graduate, and lists of things they need to know before they leave home often spin around inside me like a dryer tumbling the clothes.  Problem is I have so many ideas and so much information in the "dryer" that I sometimes burn up with guilt over not following through on them or making sure I know more about them. Instead I want to give myself time to let the peaceful, honoring, relationship nurturing ideas swell up inside of me.  I want to be happy with what I know I know and how well those things work for me. God has given me everything I need for life and godliness.  I will let the joy of that assurance brim over in my life to propel me to feel and experience what I already know, what I already have right in front of me and right inside of me.

Why I Love My Husband

He is  a man who wants to give everything all he has.  He adores me.  He does dishes.  He cleans up my messes.  He is patient with me.  He has beautiful blue eyes, a charming smile, and strong arms to rub my back or feet or carry us when needed.  He cares about people, really cares.  He wants us to grow - as a couple, individually, as a family, as a church, as a preaching school.  He knows how to have fun.  He likes to read and listen to interesting book/ articles/ podcasts and share them with others.  He is comfortable in almost any situation able to strike up conversation and feel at ease.  He genuinely listens to me as I sort out my thoughts.  He cares about what I care about.  He wants me to be me.  He wants me to like myself and value myself.  He likes himself.  He knows his computers.  He knows his electronics.  He teaches me when I don't know either.  He makes fires.  He keeps them going.  He makes beds and cleans when I can't.  He talks to our children.  He shares desires for our children to become men of honor who love God, know God, and live for God.  He calls his mom almost every week.   -- So much more to be said for another time.

January 2, 2015

Another snowy/ icy day.  Strange weather to last so long here.  I love that my family of five can be in a house together for so many days and still have fun and get along.  We have endured some crankiness and annoying behaviors but overall it is peaceful.  A fire blazing, Monopoly City being played next to it, mom completing lesson plans for school next week.  We also made a trip to the grocery store so we are stocked up for the week maybe.

It feels good to do what I know needs doing.  Now I can do some things I just want to do tomorrow. Yay!  Having a great meal tonight and eating better yesterday and today has had a renewing effect on me as well!  Grass fed steak, stir fry veggies with extra red peppers and onions, and a Dr. Oz green smoothie = yum!

Haven't had time to reflect on last year or think about goals for the new year but I will get there.

Laundry/Bathroom

Ideas for the laundry/ bathroom:

http://ana-white.com/2010/11/laundry-basket-dresser

http://www.happyorganizedlife.com/search?q=laundry+room&x=-1093&y=-705

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/155726099588140400/

http://interiors-designed.com/2013/08/08/love-the-partition-between-the-washer-and-dryer-no-more-socks-underwear-hangers-dryer-sheets-etc-falling-between-and-junking-up-the-space/

Scorched Leaves....Nourishing Love

I stepped out on the front porch after a much needed three hour Sunday afternoon nap to the horror of four precious houseplants burning in the hot afternoon sun.  Black leaves screaming of death and devastation to this heart that has nurtured them for the last two years or so.  You see, these are the longest plant friends I have had.  I have worked with them and often revived them through chicken pecking ,wind blowing them over, underwatering, overwatering, and many overturnings.  In return, they have graced our home with fresh oxygen and soothing beauty.  They were like a warm blanket of God's creation over me each time I caught their appearance in my kitchen and living room.  Now, they are hurting.  They have been scorched.... black leaves all over... even some of the stems are black.  And that Christmas Cactus?  It's leaves are bleached with black spots.  Will they recover?  They look miserable and make my heart heavy.

I cut away their black leaves one by one... sometimes a bunch at a time all the way to the base of the stem leaving a scraggly looking plant.  It looks a little like how I've been feeling lately.  Cut back and limp. Struggling to revive my spirit. Did I allow myself to get scorched?  Did I set myself out in the hot sun for too long?  I guess I did.  My plants were in the hot sun for 8 hours.  When I left them on the porch in the morning sun, I thought they would soon be covered with protecting shade.  I thought I would bring them in as soon as I returned home for lunch.  Exhausted when I arrived home, my thoughts turned to sleep forgetting all about my sweet friends on the porch.

Much effort is required when caring for a living creation.  Much thought must be given to its care in order for it to survive... even more for it to thrive.  I too am a living creation.  And I have a loving creator who cares for me.  When I fail to present myself before him regularly, I begin to droop.  When I am drooping, I need more of Him.  When my yeses turn me away from his refreshing, I begin to get scorched with the busyness of life.  Often I consider pleasing others as so important that it sacrifices the nourishment I need to please them with what they really desire.... my love.

Just as my plants require certain conditions to survive and thrive, so do I.  Feeling there are just too many conditions to provide for everyone, I choose those the ones generally accepted by others to be necessary. Yet, I am unique.  God made me....well, me.  What I need is not necessarily the same as what others need. I am jealous of those who don't appear to need so much refreshing.... so much time to think.... to rest.... to be still.  I need quiet time every day for an hour to rest, do some muscle relaxation, listen to soothing music.  I need time to read God's word and talk to him without interruption and without noise in the background. I need a relaxing bath once a week.  I need candles burning to remind me of the peace and light of God.  I need daily exercise... a walk, some stretching, some weight bearing exercise.  I need lots of vegetables.  I need to give myself food breaks once in a while.  I need to smile at my kids more often.  I need to play.  I need to observe the people and world around me.  I need more thankfulness in my heart.  I need to take it easy on myself when I don't measure up to my own expectations... or when things aren't going according to the plans in my head.  TRUST.  GOD.  DAILY.  Minute by minute.  BREATHE Him in.  BE STILL as often as possible. Accept failure.  Accept joy.  Accept love.  Give myself what I need not only to survive but to thrive.  Protect myself and others from the scorching of the leaves of my spirit.  Only then can I help others... and my plants ;) ... to thrive alongside me.  

God is waiting to refresh my spirit... to heal my scorched leaves..  I will lay myself at His feet and receive His nourishing love like a wave of new life washing over me!